Breakfast safety remains theoretical

Jam Session

A nervous ray gun with one permanent breakfast obstruction.

Jam, a low-poly red and white ray gun with googly eyes and a slice of strawberry-jam toast stuck in its barrel

RANGE / OPEN

Jam resting on a stack of books at a breakfast shooting range, paper targets hanging behind and a plate of jam toast on the checkered counter

Before The Kettle

Every morning, Jam reports to the breakfast range before the kettle finishes complaining. The barrel is checked, the trigger is tested, and the toast remains exactly where it was yesterday. Nobody remembers loading it. Nobody volunteers to unload it. By nine, the jam has formed one patient drop and the targets have learned to keep quiet.

Jam standing on a sunlit wooden kitchen counter among jars, crumbs and crumpled napkins

01 / RANGE

SCENE A

Range Routine

The procedure is simple enough to print on a napkin, which is why nobody has.

SCENE B

Ticker: $JAMS, spoken through clenched toast.
Chamber: Occupied by one strawberry slice.
Aroma: Berry-forward with warm metal underneath.
Aim: Leftward, apologetic, unexpectedly accurate.
Trigger: Pulled only after a long sniff.
Cleanup: One rag, two crumbs, no witnesses.

Jam on a concrete floor beside blue crates of strawberries and a stack of napkins, one jam drop on the ground

02 / PANTRY

Three Attempts

Jam tried the range, the pantry, and the loading bench. The result never changed: the toast stayed lodged, the strawberry stayed glossy, and everyone nearby developed a sudden respect for breakfast. These are the least sticky moments on record.

Jam at the breakfast range with targets on the wall — Range TestThe target smelled it first.

Jam tucked under a pantry shelf of jars beside folded towels and bread — Pantry WatchNothing moved except the drip.

Jam on the wooden loading bench in morning light — Bench CheckThe toast declined assistance.

Keep the napkins within reach.

Jam Session, still slightly loaded.